Friday, June 13
Today, I'm gonna talk of things I've never wanted or tried to say. I think it's gonna be a lot of rambling, but it's good to spit it out. Hmm, let's start with myself. Never thought much about my actions. Did what I felt was right, even thought I might have hurt a few (okay, a lot) people's feelings. It's not on purpose, though. Never meant to hurt anyone, except those I actually wanted to intentionally do big suanning on. Maybe too zui ying xin luan. Or maybe not? Eh, can't seem to explain more than just plain words. Nah, maybe can't even may zui ying. or do I seem too cool and aloof? Tried to, only succeeded to acquire more "kan bu shuang wo" pple. Haiz. It's life for a teen.
Hmm, tried a lot of ways to be myself, can't. Strong waves of influence crash over me, and it's irresistable. Friends are this very big part of my life, cannot be without them. Perhaps it's just me without siblings, tat's why. It only made me more independant and reliant at the same time. Ironic? I don't think so. I think I am speaking in circles, but I think I can lay out my feelings better this way. Complexity is such of man, ain't it? The personality course I went to had a major influence to what I am typing now, but it's all quite true. You appear as masks in your own society, unable to reveal yourself. You appear just how you think people want to see you. It's not neccessarily you. Your inner self only shows when you no longer control your emotions, maybe when you are angry. All it needs is a trigger.
We all react differently to different things, the instructor told me. We don't and can't react to things solely based on your masks. Your lifelong cultivation comes into play. Your experiences, your attractions, for our age, peers. But fear plays the most important part. Complicated cycle of activities. Nothing's simple. A gesture can mean a lot of things. People either subconsciously or purposely read too much or too little. Does it matter? Of course. You don't start a war without the "concrete evidence" from over-reading things. To gain power? Maybe. But it all begins with fearing that by being small, you get pushed over. Fear. It's the main factor.
Am I talking too much? Does it sound crappy to you? It's the fear of rejection. You want to be part of the circle, yet you want to retain your individuality. Too much of yourself, you are too out. Too into the circle, you lose yourself in the midst. Balance? Not a simple task. It's very tiring to keep up. Very tiring. By typing these things, I fear that others might see me as trying to act mature, but it's not. It's just me. Do we have to keep fearing? We are fearing all the time.
Can't we do something about it? Not as long as we live. Humans are mammals -- We probably won't change for another billion years. I am just trying to voice my opinions. Ignore as you wish.
Posted by Isabelle at 10:11 pm